My 15 year old son does not know how to clear a search history. He has denied the acknowledgement of any female in his life as attractive. Some quick snooping resulted in that little liar pants inadvertently, introducing slutload.com into my life. I had to take the boy aside to level with him. You know the drill, "the images (and graphic,badly lit video) you are seeing is not real life."and " You are seeing women objectified." Most of all," real people don't do that all the time! O.K. maybe for birthdays, Kwanzaa, or a really kinky Groundhog Day, but that is not REAL!"
So how to explain the bible study I am doing right now? We are studying the book of Ruth. I wish to be an inclusive Diva. So for all of you unchurched heathens who can name all the houses of Game of Thrones, you pasty agoraphobic virgins that can tell me the difference between Night Owl 1 and Night Owl 2, or name ALL the Kardashians, but not the books of the bible, I offer a catch up link below.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ruth+1&version=NIV
I know you did not read that, don't lie to me. I don't even need the ability to check your search history. I also know you do not want to sit through an explanation. Let me sum up.
Naomi= ultimate down on her luck Jewish mother in law and widow
Ruth = widow of her son who chooses to leave her pagan ways and country Moab, behind and, out of loyalty, go with her mother in law to Bethlehem.
Boaz= the distant male relative of Naomi's who marries Ruth, thus keeping Naomi's family tree from dying out and providing a living for the ladies
King David= Ruth's great great grandson
This woman, back when women had a value lesser than that of Ikea furniture on a humid day, become a big deal. In order to drive the understanding of the story home, the author of the study has been very detailed in giving us a back history as to why Ruth didn't just start temp-ing for an ad agency and speed- dating. She was a Moabite. There are many peoples in the bible that have -ite at the end of the name of their nationality and it's usually not because they are Awesome-ites. The Moabites have a beginning that have the makings of an adult film that no one wants to watch. No one, I want to hang out with, that's for sure.
We start at Sodom and Gomorrah, which, I haven't had enough carbs for the energy to explain at the present time. That handy website I have sent you future hell -dwellers to, up there has a search feature. I assure you, not pretty. Anycrap, after God destroys it, all that is left is Lot and his two daughters. Well, whilst hiding in a cave the biblical Snookie and J-Wow are freaked out that they will never bear children resulting in much needed, protection and stature. Instead of waiting for the smoke to clear, or E-Harlote.com to come along, they sedate their father, seduce him and conceive children from him. One of them, oh, for timeliness, let's say, Snookie, names her son Moab, the ancestor of the Moabites.
Seriously. Your feeling a bit more inclined to click back to the link, now aren't you?
My precious angels, if you want to feel better about yourself as a human being, drop that remote and scream, "Get thee behind me, Toddlers and Tiaras!!" There is no better proof in God's mercy than the assholes in the bible. The ladies in my group have read in the last few weeks about holy yuckies such as gang rape, homosexual rape, incest, and what seems to be a merciful post-mortem wife swapping. The Old Testament makes you need a mental Silkwood shower at times. And yet, we are discovering that God can take a woman from a reviled people such as the Moabites, ancestors of incest and lead to Kind David and eventually Jesus himself. No better comeback, I can imagine.
This brings me to describes the decoupage of women in that room. Some are Steel Magnolias. They are all sitting at one end of the room reminding us how "mature" they are, ans how much life experience they have over us.The Tin Foil Magnolias are at the other end, after dropping the Tissue Paper Magnolias off at the nursery, feeling quite shushed. At first I felt besmirched. I need not remind you that a Diva, besmirched, can be a not Awesome-ite thing. After yet another example from one of the "Mature" ladies in colorful reading glasses about , " the good old days", that the Tin Foils were not present for, I was more than mildly tempted to remind her that one interpretation of "more mature" was, "you will, airplane crashes aside, most likely go home to Jesus before me, Madam."
Then a beautiful thing happened. More and more frank reactions to the content started to spill out, as did the giggles. You see the truth behind the story of Ruth is that, she came to the hometown of her mother in law, as less than a human being. Tin Foil doesn't even begin to cut it. Tissue paper didn't exist. I guess they wiped with leaves or something. She could have gone home married someone else, moved on. But she chose, like the Tin Foils and Steels did today to love and respect where this woman came from. This meant marrying a man she barely knew to provide for her mother in law.
The pinnacle of the bonding came when that wet blanket of an author informed the Steels and Tins that Boaz was not some handsome, athletic man. He probably had other wife, no teeth, and a walking stick. Grrrrr.
Well, we could not stand for this. Southern women do not often have need for the truth to ruin a perfectly good story. We started to name Hollywood stars we would cast in our head as Boaz. You had your Clooney and Ryan Gosling on the Tin end of the table. Cary Grant was parried by the Steels.
Then, the bridge was built. Miss Linda on the Steel side,lit up with the Holy flame of male classic awesomeness.
Tom Selleck.
A solemn hush fell up the now united Mag's.
So let it be written, so let it be done.
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